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High · Spirits


Sunday, December 21, 1941

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Everything happens at once, and it's overwhelming.

I have an urge to start listing all of the awful things that have happened lately—or at least, that I have lately become aware of—because usually, looking at the list would force me to see how short it really is and how easy it would be to just fix everything and make everyone happy again. Only... this time... I'm very much afraid that staring at a catalog of our suffering would be disheartening. I'm very much afraid that I won't be able to fix things. It is very disheartening indeed.

But on the other hand... Suboshi came to me today!

And a right mess I made of it, too, but it worked out for the best in the end. Things always do. And I can't help but believe that they always will.

It's an odd feeling, this—like feeling happy and sad at once... Feeling overcome by depression, yet energized and restless and eager to do something... I keep thinking that if I go to sleep, when I wake up, everything will have undone itself.

There is so much suffering in the world, and it's not just my own. Everybody is in pain, because life is painful. Even a person who has never seen death or poverty or hate still has a tragic life. Sin is everywhere, and I can't escape from it—it's in myself—and all that is ugly and unnatural haunts mankind with a kind of sick mockery... The consequences of our actions are grotesque... My sisters...

I wish I could just find out what I am doing here, and then I could do it, and it would be done, and I could kill myself in peace.

No, I couldn't, though, not as long as I have my brother. Besides, it didn't work so very well that last time, did it?

I don't think we've gotten up off the floor since he suddenly remembered everything. Actually, he's sleeping right now; he's exhausted, and I intend to let him sleep as long as he likes. We don't have to do anything unless we want to do it, and I've come to believe that there's no need to rush things. He's had a hard day—such an understatement—and watching him sleep is nice. He's relaxed for now.  And we are together in all of the important ways, which is, well, a relief.

I'm not sleeping. There are too many questions to ponder. For one thing, what are we going to do next? Where will we go? I certainly think it's a bad idea to let him go off to his death on the front lines of the Red Army; I'll kill Stalin myself if he wastes Suboshi on some stupid campaign as a foot soldier. We have more important things to do. Like find our priestess—she must be somewhere, waiting to be found. And, possibly, we could do something to end the war? I would be a great assassin! And I might just possibly enjoy getting rid of a couple of high-ranked Germans.

I can't get over how incredibly cool we are. Really, how many people have superpowers?

Another thing to think about is, what is true anymore? I'm not quite sure how to reconcile Seiryuu and Christianity. And I have thought about it a great deal. All I can think is, for now, that I am dealing with two separate worlds, each of which has its own Truth. I feel at peace with this idea and am tempted to accept it as is, but of course, everyone reasonable knows that feelings ought never to be the basis for important decisions, &c. I too often ignore reason and decide things based on my feelings, and this gets me in trouble.

Not that anything bad happens to me... only to the people I care about.

I think I remember saying something to Sasha about not feeling as though I've had my share of the suffering? Or something like that. It's true, you know. Ach, I'm all incoherent and have been babbling and letting my thoughts fly in all directions.  But... I must let them coalesce into this:  I will do something about all of the suffering; I will stop all of the pain in the world even if I have to single-handedly save everyone in some kind of heroic explosion. Didn't I say that everything will work out for the best?

I think that I would like being a hero...
Current Location:
Saratov Orphanage
Current Mood:
restless restless
Current Music:
an old Kujawiak melody...
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